Guess where I’ll be tonight, kids? Co-hosting on Friday Night Live with Monty from 10 PM to Midnight. Stop on by the chat room. You can holla at me if you think you’re cool enough!

And I’ll tell you why. Because he made me a writer and not an artist.

Allow me to illustrate. Well, not really illustrate, because I am not an artist.

Let me explain.

Baby shower.

What do you think of when someone mentions baby shower?

You probably think of giggly women-folk, silly games, tasty snacks, party hats, and lots of ooh-ing and ahh-ing over little knitted booties and little lacy bonnets.

When I think of baby shower, I think of infants raining down from the sky, splattering onto the streets and the lawns, little heads exploding, arms and legs ripped off as they fall out of trees, the streets running red with innocent baby blood.

That’s bad enough. But if I were an artist, I would be churning out a series of paintings depicting scenes like that. And those visions would haunt you people for the rest of your natural lives. Several of you would probably end up being institutionalized. Marriages would end. Alchoholism and drug abuse rates would spike. You would become empty vessels of hopelessness and despair.

So. The Big Guy knows what he’s doing.

Have you entered LOL Fabby yet?

An ode to the lovely ladies of TV sitcoms. This is actually one of my weaker singing efforts, and that’s saying something. But that’s not really the point anyway.

I got some Kleenex, a tube sock
To catch all of the spray
As at night, I whack off
To thoughts of Ellie Mae
She’s my foxy little Clampett
And she carries me away
Plus Laverne now, and Shirley
And Mrs. Cunningham
Mary Hartman Mary Hartman
Ginger and Mary Ann
Keep calling (keep calling) and calling (and calling)
I want to love them all
I know I will

Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Rhoda Morgenstern and some others
I’d like to plant a kiss
On Carol Brady’s lips
What a mother
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Rhoda Morgenstern and some others.

I love my Jeannie, my Weezy
My Shirley Partridge too
Samantha with her nose twitch
I swear I come unglued
And I want Alice as my waitress
When I’m in a greasy spoon

In my dreams now my roommate
Is the jiggly Chrissy Snow
when’s Maude’s on, I ogle
Adrienne Barbeau
The depths of her cleavage
Is a place I’d like to go

Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Mary Tyler Moore and some others
I’d like to plant a kiss
On Mrs. Cleaver’s lips
What a mother
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Mary Tyler Moore and some others.

I begin to feel dirty
As through the shows I scan
They stir up my libido
Make me feel like man
And if I’m being honest
I would even do Rosanne

Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Agent 99 and some others
I’d like to plant a kiss
On Lilly Munster’s lips
What a mother
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Agent 99 and some others.

Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Loni Anderson and some others
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
That tall chick on 3rd Rock and some others
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
Christina Applegate and some others
Tempted by the sweet Sally Struthers
That chick who married Coach and some others
***************************************************************

Hey! Have you entered my LOL Fabby Contest yet? Scroll back to Monday’s post to check out the details!

And…I am going to let people submit multiple entries, up to three, if they are feeling prolific. Someone entered three and and asked me to pick and I just couldn’t. So I am going to let them all in, and I figured I might as well give everyone the same opportunity.

Everyone really seemed to enjoy LOL Bloggers and LOL Bloggers 2.

There will be a LOL Bloggers 3. But before that, we’re going to have a contest. A LOL Fabby contest. That’s right, I can take it. Give it to me, baby!

I am not going to give you a particular picture to use. You will have to choose your own. There are a lot of pictures of me on this blog, and on my Facebook, and if there is a way to get a single frame shot from video I have plenty of those to choose from as well.

I use this site for the captions and this site to put them on the pictures, but you can do it any way you like.

Send your picture to me by Saturday at midnight. I’ll put them all in a post on Monday for your enjoyment. The winning entry will be selected by a panel of three judges that I have yet to pick.

The creator of the winning entry will win this:

Mmmm…saucy!

And since you have all been so patient…tomorrow’s post will finally be LOL Hitler!

“Right now I am scratching my back against a tree like the mighty bear. Next? I will shit in the woods.”

Tonight, from a strange land known only as Connecticut, we will be joined by potty-mouthed patriot and navy wife Cissa Fireheart who, after a long sabbatical, has returned to the blogosphere with all guns firing. Somehow and for some reason, she thought it would be fun to do a radio show with me.

Silly girl.

She will find out soon enough what it’s like to be on the radio with me for an hour. Sixty minutes of awkward conversation, long pauses, failed attempts to be funny, clumsy passes, and perhaps a brief moment or two of fun that will do little more than make you feel strangely unsatisfied and soul-crushingly empty.

It’s a lot like having sex with me.

The direct link to this show and the chat room is HERE.

On a more general note, you can listen to the show, check out the archived shows, subscribe to the show (they’ll send a reminder before the show starts), or recommend that I be deported right here.

Ooh…look at the lineup of pretty, pretty people:

May 11 Hilly from Snackie’s World dishes the dirt from TequilaCon!
May 18 MetalMom from I Don’t Wanna Hear It
May 25 Winter from Life or Something Like (B)it
June 1 Turnbaby from And as the world Turns and it’s her BIRTHDAY!
June 8 Katie from Kat Scratch Fever
June 15 Robin from The Road Less Unraveled (the show before she gets married! SQUEEEEEE!)
June 22 Gwen from Kill the Body and the Head Will Die
June 29 Hoosier Girl from The Coffee Table
July 6 Big Honkin’ Duet Show 3–Part One
July 13 Big Honkin’ Duet Show 3–Part Two
July 20 Angry African from Angry African on the Loose
July 27 Chelle from The Absurdist

And after my show, on Turnbaby Talks, we’ll be tackling a topic near and dear to my heart: Does Funny Trump Everything? I’ve always maintained that it does, whether I am posting about Jesus, mass suicide, or junior high school sodomy.

Join us, won’t you?

If you are the first to correctly identify this:

You will win this:

More details.

The genre: popular music.

Good luck!

Edit: Damn. Janna got it 6 minutes into the contest. Shit. The first one was too hard and this one was too easy. I need to find a middle ground. Stupid middle ground.

You may be asking yourself, “What the hell is this?”

Well it is, courtesy of Cheesy, the winning entry in the contest for a copy of Jess Lourey’s Knee High by the Fourth of July. Jess and Dana judged it to be the best. Yay, Cheesy!

Check this out:

Hotdog Crown Roast

1 1/2 pounds all-beef frankfurters
1 teaspoon poppy seeds
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
2 cups cabbage, shredded
1/2 cup boiling water
pimiento for garnish

Serves 4

Preheat oven to 350 F.

Slice the frankfurters lengthwise without separating the halves. Broil (cut sides up) on a rack about 3 inches from the heat for about 5 minutes.

Add poppy seeds and vinegar to cabbage; toss thoroughly. Heap cabbage in a mound in the center of a baking dish. Lean frankfurters against cabbage to form a crown. Pin frankfurters together with toothpicks. Pour water over cabbage. Bake for 10 minutes or until cabbage is tender but still crisp. Garnish with pimiento.

Pimento is a given with this type of recipe!

*************************************************************************

I expect it will be pretty quiet around here today and this weekend, what with half the blogosphere traveling to TequilaCon and partying it up. It’s pretty much just me around today and maybe a couple of Canadians. That’s fine. I’ll have the last laugh tomorrow morning when they are all hungover. Meanwhile, I will be in church, getting right with the Lord.

Don’t forget, tomorrow is Stupendously Stupid Saturday Squiz II. No one won the first one. Maybe I should have the prizes stack up if no one wins…

I will be supplying the genre right off the bat, this time, so no whining!

I better be getting some drunk texts and naughty, incriminating photos from you TequilaConners…

We’ve been having an issue with the billing for my XM Radio. It renewed automatically on Mrs. Fab’s credit card, and we wanted it renewed on mine. So the last two weeks have been a comedy of errors with XM Radio as they have not applied the credit to her card, given her some runaround about how she had to put it back on her card before they could credit it, they promised her that a supervisor would call her back and one never did…

It’s been a mess. You don’t even know.

So the other day I came home from work determined to straighten this out once and for all.

I called them up. They had the account in her name instead of mine. They had the house phone number on the account instead of my cell number. No wonder they couldn’t get anything right! I couldn’t remember if I had put the renewal on my credit card or debit card, and I got a whole weird speech about how she was on the credit side and if I put it on the debit card I would have to talk to someone else, on the debit side, because they were two separate departments and neither could see what the other was doing.

What?

I was nice, but I was firm. Actually, I was nice, but pretty condescending. I told her I was NOT getting off the phone until the card had been credited. The woman kept interrupting me, so I lectured her politely on good customer service. Finally, when she declared that she thought she understood the problem, I loftily pointed out that if she had let me continue my story when I first called instead of interrupting me, she could have reached that conclusion much sooner.

Oh yeah. I was in rare form.

She apologized. A couple of times. Advantage: Fab!

Then I told her that I also needed to make sure they had the correct radio on the account, because I had also called in a switch of radios when I bought the new car.

“Radio?” she asked.

“Yes, I changed XM radio units.”

“Sir, this is Bank of America.”

“Um…huh?”

“You’ve called Bank of America.”

“Uhh..this isn’t XM Radio?”

“No, sir.”

“Oh. Well…um…oh. Well…now I am confused. I…will have to call you back.”

I couldn’t hang up fast enough.

*************************************************************************

Don’t forget, it’s the first of May. Outdoor fuckin’ starts today.