The lovely and talented Blonde Blogger and I have recorded a Christmas duet for ya’ll. Above you will find our version of Baby It’s Cold Outside.

Given the weather here in Kentucky, I am tempted to record a new version: Baby Holy Crap Motherfucker I Can’t Feel My Fucking Limbs And My Pancreas Just Froze Up Because It Is So &%#@%$!! Cold Outside.

But who has the time to do that during this busy holiday season?

If we lived a little closer, we might have done a video for it. I still have the santa thong that Dutchy sent me last year…

Merry Christmas!

Life in our little cul-de-sac just got a little more interesting.

On one side of us lives a woman who is basically a non-functioning alcoholic. She’s divorced, and does not have custody of her kids, although they do visit frequently. Her ex-husband bought her the house so she would have a place to live. We call her Otis.

Across from us lives a woman we call The Breeder. She is divorced, and has four kids. She has a boyfriend who comes around quite a bit, some pinhead in a mustang convertible that he is always revving up because he is oh so cool.

Well, the boyfriend is not always there. And without going into details, we have reason to believe that when the opportunities present themselves, that Otis and The Breeder get together to dabble in the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name.

Now that is a good neighbor policy.

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Remember Mad Libs? It turns out that I wrote one. I did a guest post for my friend Cami Kaos and she turned it into a Mad Lib, since for reasons that shall remain undisclosed, she could not print the post as originally written, which I completely understand.

If you are so inclined, please check it out, and play if you want to!

Also, Happy Thanksgiving to my countrymen. And for those of you in foreign countries, hey, Happy Thursday!

It’s pretty simple, really.

If you got a card from me last year, you will be getting one this year as well. Do nothing. Monitor your mailbox. The only step you would need to take is if you have changed addresses, been moved to a different correctional facility, or if you are bedding down at a different homeless shelter this year.

If you did not get a card from me last year, and you would like one, email your address to me. Several folks have done so recently, and they are now on the list.

If you want to send me a card, but don’t have my new address, no worries. I am going to send out cards pretty early this year, and you can get my new info from the return address label. That way, I don’t have to send out a hundred emails to people.

If you absolutely can’t wait until you get the card first, email me and I will curse you and email you back my address.

I think I covered everything.

I better get busy.

I work with a lot of nice folks. Very nice folks. The majority of them attend church regularly. Everyone is always very polite. Most of them would do just about anything for you.

So, of course, we are sponsoring a family for Christmas. I guess it’s the Christian thing to do. I’m not sure what the un-Christian thing to do is. Maybe to burn down their house and fornicate with their livestock. In any event, we’re doing the first one, the Christian one.

And I have no problem with that. However, this is taken from the body of the email that went around:

For those of you who were involved last year, this is the same family that we had last year, the older children are now being sponsored through a different program with their middle school and high school. So, we have the 5 youngest children. Our kids range from age 2 through age 7.

Um…the 5 youngest children? Just how many children do these breeders have?

I finally managed to gracefully work in that question when talking to our HR manager. It turns out the family has 9 children altogether. They each had some from a previous marriage, like the Brady Bunch. Unlike the Brady Bunch, however, they decided to squeeze out some more spawn once they got married.

I’m all for helping people out at Christmas, but maybe we could help out some people that have a little more self-control? Isn’t it pretty damn irresponsible to have more kids than you can take care of yourself?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Slap a scrooge hat on me.

I need a new pair of specs. I’ve had the same ones now for at least six years. I usually wear contact lenses, but every so often I like to wear glasses. Plus I look more intelligent when I wear glasses. At this point, I need to maintain all the illusion of cognitive capacity that I can.

There are a lot of spiffy Holiday frames at ZenniOptical.com. Do people say “spiffy” anymore? Am I the last one?

I like the pair that is pictured above. I think wearing a pair of glasses like that would go a long way toward breaking up the monotony of my face. Another good thing about wearing glasses is that you can take them off and chew on the end of them–it makes you look thoughtful. Also, if you are a superhero, it can help protect your secret identity.

ZennOptical.com doesn’t just have holiday frames, they have an unbelievably large selection of frames of all kinds, and at prices that are extraordinarily reasonable. In fact, after looking at the prices on the website, I am left wondering how opticians can charge so much for frames. Someone should look into that.

I know a lot of bloggers wear glasses because we spend so much time squinting at computer screens. Also, because some of us really are superheroes in need of protecting our secret identities.

I know who you are.

It snowed last night.

Not much. No accumulation, except for on roofs and parked cars and the deck.

But still. It is there. White, cold, and mocking me.

Sigh…

The Christmas season has pretty much been thrust upon us already this year. Every year it seems to happen earlier and earlier. Soon those “Christmas in July” sales that some stores run are going to seem a lot less ironic.

Nevertheless, it’s time for us to start thinking about Christmas cards. I have everyone’s address, I think, unless there were some peeps I met for the first time at Adam’s party that would like a card. So now I just need to figure out what kind of card to send.

Last year I had Vistaprint do holiday postcards. This year I think we’re going to go with Christmas Cards with photos on them, also from Vstaprint. I just need to get creative and figure out what kind of picture we should use. We could get all warm and fuzzy or we could go…really far out there.

Hmm…decisions decisions.

At least I know that we’ll use Vistaprint. They have served me well over the last few years. I have had not only holiday cards done by them, but also business cards and magnets. The templates are very easy to use, even by a pinhead like me. Their prices are really low, and they are always running really good sales. And usually when you place an order they will offer you very useful bonuses or additional product at a reduced price.

I know a lot of bloggers who have used Vistaprint, actually, and all the feedback I have seen has been positive.

If I could only decide what kind of picture to use. I wonder how I would look dressed as an elf…

Sigh…apparently some stalker with nothing better to do has been visiting this site and other related venues and leaving mean comments. It’s no big deal to me, but now he/she/he-she has started to attack other folks, so for the first time I am have changed the settings for this blog so that I need to approve comments.

I guess I should be honored that this person thinks so much of me, a mostly retired blogger, to devote so much attention to trying to rattle me.

I assume that this person is deeply in love with me, and is angry and bitter that he or she or he/she can’t have me. Ah well, such is the way of the world. Curse my sex appeal!