Oh crap. He’s on the radio again. Briefly.
By Formerly Fab | August 25, 2008
This Tuesday evening, at 8:00 PM, I will be guest hosting on Turnbaby Talks, as she will be at a social function that I am not allowed to attend, as I have neither a law degree nor a vagina.
Ahhh…a triumphant return to BlogTalkRadio, land that I love!
What do I have planned for the show? Me. Talking. For an hour. I will not be taking any calls, although I will respond to folks that are in the chat.
What will the show be like? Imagine that Morton Downey Jr. and Garrison Keillor had a baby together, and that baby was adopted by Jodie Foster, and she hired Richard Speck to be its baby sitter. Now imagine that you are trapped with that baby in an elevator, and the baby has developed a taste for human flesh. Now imagine that Dick Cavett is doing the play-by-play for the whole grisly scene that will inevitably ensue.
Now forget all that, because I have no idea what I am talking about. But that’s pretty much what the show will be like. And that’s fine, because it’s all for charity. Specifically, all proceeds from the show will benefit VOICE, which is an organization that teaches mimes to once again speak, mostly by holding them down and punching them until they agree to stop being mimes. Also, they hose them down until all that white facepaint is gone.
Please listen to the show on Tuesday night. Please help stamp out mimeatude in our lifetime.
Topics: Uncategorized | 7 Comments »
The pain and heartbreak of bushy eyebrows
By Formerly Fab | August 18, 2008
My eyebrows are out of control. They have been a growing problem for many years, and it’s starting to get on top of me. They are running amok. If I don’t take action soon, I will become one of those weird looking guys with eyebrows so bushy that birds begin nesting in them.
At one point, judicious use of some Rubis tweezers might have done the trick. But it went beyond that. Then I was thinking about waxing, but I was afraid I would end up looking like some mannequin.
Now I am thinking that controlled burning might be the answer. I could bring in the fire department to set them ablaze and then, when they had burned down to a managable level, they could douse me with the firehose.
Sure, that method poses a few logistical problems, but I’m sure it could all be worked out.
It feels good to have a plan.
Topics: For Your Information | 11 Comments »
Where is Richard Simmons when you need him?
By Formerly Fab | August 18, 2008
Wait..does anyone really need him?
I might. Damn it all, I need to get in shape. You know, people are always talking about elliptical machines or working on their ellipticals. Or something. I don’t even know what “elliptical” means. I looked it up, and the definition was “rounded like an egg”. Well heck, I’ve already got that. So maybe I am in shape and I don’t even know it.
I’m not sure what my glutes are, either, but I don’t think I’ll look that up. I think I’ll bask in the illusion of physical fitness as long as I can. More knowledge can only be a bad thing, in my case.
I do know what my abs are. And…I don’t want to talk about it.
Topics: Fab's Wild Kingdom | 9 Comments »
First come, first served!
By Formerly Fab | August 11, 2008
Step right up!
I need one more person to join fantasy football. It’s free. No charge. Nolo moneyo. We just need you to take it seriously and stick it out to the end.
Here is the info to join:
Link: http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/tools/join?leagueId=154661
Password: bigblue
Who has got the stones?
Topics: Sports | 5 Comments »
Of course, now I have the Carrie Underwood song in my head…
By Formerly Fab | August 10, 2008
Ahhh…I do love Vegas.
My friend Brett is in Vegas right now for a Media Expo. We were out there together last year. He asked me if I was going to be there this year, but I told him that my Homeland Security duties here in Kentucky precluded me from making the trip this year.
I am, however, a big fan of Vegas vacations. The hookers, the blow, the gunplay…um…I mean, the family friendly entertainment, the good food, and the dry, dry heat.
Just don’t take the bus in Vegas. I took the bus a couple of times when I went downtown to the “old Vegas”. The majority of the people who ride the bus live in Vegas, work in the tourism industry, and hate you.
The bus is a good place to get shanked.
Stick to cabs and the monorail. No one ever gets shanked on the monorail.
Topics: For Your Information | 6 Comments »
I don’t understand
By Formerly Fab | August 10, 2008
Once, many many years ago, I wrecked a rental car. Totalled it. Ran it backwards into a big concrete pole base of a parking lot floodlamp. The roof caved in, the doors popped…it was cool.
And because I had signed the insurance waiver, there was nothing the rental car company could do. I walked away from it clean.
Why doesn’t regular auto insurance work that way? My premiums are paid up. Why can’t I treat the parking lot at Kroger as my own personal demolition derby? Why can’t I play bumpercars with other motorists that live in the subdivision? Why is it not acceptable to see if my car can float in the Kentucky River?
I miss that feeling of freedom. It’s not fair.
Now I feel like I am living in between.
Topics: For Your Information | 1 Comment »
A word to the wise…
By Formerly Fab | August 10, 2008
Who among us doesn’t enjoy taking a life here and there?
You know what I mean. Some pinhead cuts you off in traffic when you are already in a bad mood. Someone dings your car in the parking lot. In my case, the numbskull who lives next door owns a van in which the alarm system goes off every thirty minutes.
In all those cases, it is acceptable to make those people “disappear”.
However, let me clue you in on a little something. I know it is tempting to keep trophies from these um…situations. But resist doing so. Nothing will get you the needle faster than the authorities finding a collection of driver’s licenses in a shoebox under your bed.
Um…hypothetically.
Topics: For Your Information | 1 Comment »
The search continues…
By Formerly Fab | August 10, 2008
It’s harder to find a good gig in these parts than I counted on.
I need one of those cushy admin jobs with a Monday through Friday schedule and hours of 8-5.
I’d like dress to be casual. So casual that I can come to work in my pajamas if I want to. I don’t actually own any pajamas, but it would be nice to have the option.
I’d like to have a couple of assistants as well. The kind that don’t mind a little sexual harrassment now and then.
Oh, and I’d like free and unfettered access to the supply room. I need to do a little more decorating around the house.
You would think that a job like that would be easy find. I’m willing to have sexual intercourse with Human Resources personnel, if that’s what it takes. I am nothing if not a motivated self-starter, after all.
Go figure.
Topics: For Your Information | 2 Comments »
Shut up and feed me, punk
By Formerly Fab | August 8, 2008
The other day I went through the drive-thru, a few minutes after 11:00 AM, at Fazoli’s to pick up an early lunch to take home.
I place my order (four-cheese panini, extra breadsticks) and pull around to the window.
Kid at the register: Little early for Fazoli’s, isn’t it?
Me: Um…you’ve been open since 10:30 AM.
Kid at the register: Oh. Good point.
WTF?
Topics: Huh? | 13 Comments »
Well, we CALL it the library…
By Formerly Fab | August 8, 2008
Sometimes in a new house it is hard to decide what to call certain rooms.
For instance, there is a room directly to the left as you walk into the house. Is it the front room? Is it the sitting room? Is it the parlor?
I think we have decided that it is a parlor. It is a little more formal than the other rooms. I suppose it is where we will receive visitors that we don’t really like. The chairs aren’t that comfortable.
Next to that is the living room, or family room, although we have decided to call it the library. We chose “library” because there are two large bookcases that flank the fireplace, and they are packed full of, appropriately enough, books.
We don’t actually do much reading in there. We watch TV or get on the computers. I haven’t actually touched any of the books, other than to put them up.
But at least the room has a classy sounding name.
Topics: For Your Information | 5 Comments »
